Dear Mujahideen,
It has come to our attention that far too many of you have become extremely comfortable with "remote jihad." While we understand that working from home (or cave) has its conveniences, effective immediately, all terror operations must be conducted in designated black sites and authorized locations of terror.
Why This Change?
Slack Jihadism has led to decreased operational effectiveness. Many of you have spent more time on Telegram than actually terrorizing.
Too many Zoom meetings with "technical difficulties" when we KNOW you’re just watching Netflix.
Drone dodging is a team sport. If you’re not physically present, how will we achieve synergy?
The Brotherhood is about camaraderie. You can't just "async jihad" your way out of bonding moments like explosive vest-fitting sessions.
New Policy Updates:
All terror plotting must be done in person at designated safe houses (subject to sudden airstrike relocation).
You must clock in before the martyrdom mission, not after.…
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